Yes, were back and continuing our conversation about GENERATIONAL CYCLES, and yes, I have to emphasize the words, so all can see. Were going to discuss MOTHERS EMOTIONS today. Like most of you, I love my mother with all my being, and appreciate everything she has ever done, and, or sacrificed for my siblings and my well being.
Regretfully, I didn’t really start to understand the struggles my mother endured until I became a mother myself. As a child we see so much and understand so little. Early on in my childhood I knew some things just were not right. What I did know was, my mother was going to work every day of her abled bodied life. I know she kept and raised nine children alone. I know that she always made sure we did not go without: food, clothing are housing. We may not have been rich in emotional love, but my mother certainly showed it in other forms.
But a child doesn’t understand that until he/she becomes an adult. So it was hard trying to figure out why my mother never displayed emotion with us children or anyone else for that reason. In many ways she came off as being a COLD and MEAN woman.
I found out with growth that my mother, and her mother and sisters had a hard time communicating and showing affection to one another. I didn’t notice it until I was older, but the same way my mother didn’t have enough emotion to hug her children and show emotions eventually transferred to my GENERATION. I often yearned for hugs as a child, yet my mother was not equipped to show that type of emotion. It wasn’t her fault though… As an adult I soon realized that she couldn’t and wasn’t able to give anything that wasn’t given to her.
This GENERATIONAL CYCLE brought so much clarity into my own life. I had always considered myself to be intelligent, caring and, loving. I was abreast on world matters such as politics, arts, literature and even scientific matters, and emotional matters. It was not until I had my own children when I started to recognize my own displays of affection. With the help of their father I raise and guided my older boys out of the house and into their college and adult years, and more importantly, instilled confidence in them. So I think I did o.k. as a mother in that aspect. Where I didn’t do so great was the physical touch and emotional part. I was always verbally able expressing “I love you,” but I could not bring myself to hug my boys . Yes, while they were toddlers it was no problem, but seemed like the older the became it seemed inappropriate (go figure).
I thought something was wrong with me. Then I started to realize that I was doing or NOT doing the same thing my mother did to her own children.
What I did notice as a young mother was I had adopted the same generational cycle of not hugging. I knew I loved my boys, and I always expressed that I loved them. My hang-up was the hugging part, and I couldn’t understand why? Their father on the other hand had no qualms about this, considering their family is extremely close, so hugging is like second nature to them. So what they didn’t get from me they did get from their father.
I began trying to change in an effort to perform what should be a most natural thing between mother and child. Once I had my two younger children I began to become more self aware, so I began my journey to possible changing. I began to make it a conscious effort and begin to not only hug my children, but my mother as well even though it was half of a hug, but we have to start somewhere. Unfortunately, it’s still not so easy for some of us, but the recognition is certainly the first step. We must make the effort to change these cycles if we want our children as well as ourselves to endure happy, healthy and stable relationships.
I have come to the point where I can’t go through the day without a hug or a kiss from my 14 year old. She thinks I am a nag, but that’s ok, I’ll nag her for life. Sometimes I think I’m making up for lost times with my boys. My only regret is not having the same emotional connection with them as young boys, because I do realize it may have effected them in some way. Although, sometimes still hard to do, on occasion, my children will receives a hug from me whether they want it or not! I also make a conscious effort to let them know they are well loved and supported by me. And for the most part our relationships are great and loving!
So today, hug your child! If you can’t, make yourself!
It may very well change their lives for the better.