During my childhood days I didn’t really understand the concept of a “single mother.” I knew that my father was not in the home I grew up in. I knew my father still loved my siblings and me, but couldn’t understand why he was in one place and his children were in another. No one every had the gumption or audacity to ask our mother why she and our father lived separately?
Later, I realized that my mother wasn’t an only single mother. She had a sister and some friends who were single, also.
Not to say anything is wrong with being a single mother or parent, heck I was, and I’m still one, as we speak. Although, I did have the luxury of co parenting and support of my children’s father, once separated. Unfortunately, many women on many occasions do not.
Becoming an unwed or single mother is not how most girls are women dream of their life. Speaking for myself, as a young girl I imagined becoming educated, finding a husband, having children and living a stable and loving life. Mostly because of everything I had witnessed as a child in my own life. I wanted the opposite of everything I was conformed to. Unfortunately, sometimes unforeseen events happen which can hinder ones wants and dreams.
I am simply saying this to bring awareness to GENERATIONAL CYCLES when it pertains to single parenting. In my case, I notice one generation to the next repeating the cycle of having children out of wedlock.
We can have the babies for the men but we don’t expect them to marry us, or stick around and help raise the child. Why?
I’ve notice that many woman and girls who did not have the love of a father; and men who did not have the love of a mother, sometimes seeks that approval and missed loved from women and men we date. Because we love and believe in our black men and woman so much, we give our all when we think he or she is the one; even if we know deep inside that he/she is not the one. We tend to still try to make it work.
We have to start having more self-worth and higher standards for ourselves. We should have higher expectations about the person who can possible be the father or mother of our children. Paying attention to dysfunctional situations is the start, noticing red flags as I call them, and then handling them accordingly.
Recognizing, Acknowledging and Resolving this cycle is possible.
Yes, we may have been brought up thinking single parenting is the norm for families, but it’s not. I knew I needed my children’s father involved in their lives, because I knew I could not show my boys how to be a man, and my daughter needed someone to be an example to her when it comes to what is expected of her future, boyfriends, dates and possible husband.
The cycle continues when we as cognoscente people fail to recognize the patterns that continues the GENERATIONAL CYCLES for many families; whether shame, embarrassment or lack of self actualization, recognition has to start within the family.
Don’t misunderstand me some single parent households are wonderfully adjusted. If the parent/ caregiver is stable, and is able to provide emotional, financial, educational and physical support to their children fine.
The single parent/ unwed mother dysfunction I’m speaking of involves lack… Lack of love, which cycles down, lack of emotional support, which cycles down. Lack of education, lack of finances, and so on. In many instances this is the spiritual bondage many generations have a hard time recognizing, acknowledge, and resolving.
Fortunately, cycles can be changed. We can start by having more self worth, and expecting more from ourselves. If we want to see change sometimes we have to be the example. Lets love ourselves to know we do not have to give ourselves to every, Tom, Dick, and Harry, who may impregnate us and may or my not stick around to help with the nurturing and raising of our children. Raise your expectations in potential partners. Ask about intentions. Be woman and man enough to let that potential partner know what you expect in a relationship. Yet, be confident enough and self assured enough to move on to the next prospect, if expectations can’t be met.